breaking up with someone that you still love deeply is like sawing off your own arm with a pocket knife. a dull pocket knife. your very own version of “127 hours” only without james franco and less spectacular scenery.
generally when people break up it is because someone did something really shitty to the other, or you both did really shitty things, or you discover that you are terrible together, or you end up hating them because they are such an asshole. but sometimes people part because you find you are in different places in your life, paths that aren’t quite linked up, or someone is afraid, or there has been a numbing sort of indifference that sets in and when you discover you actually weren’t tending to the relationship and paying attention, perhaps it is too late to go back. it is not always because of a rip in the love.
I think it is rather unusual for people to part, to still love each other deeply and choose to remain loving and in each other’s lives. I can’t really do it any other way. as much as I would never have a serious relationship with someone that I was not in love with, I also would never have a serious relationship with someone that I did not really, really like. so, how can you not still be friends with them? I have been fortunate to have had really good men in my life. men I really liked a lot. men I loved dearly. men I still love, but in a different way now.
so back to the sawing off of your own arm… it is a slow process. many layers to slice through. bones, tendon, gristle, flesh: history, memories, love, friendship, laughter, passion, anger, disappointment, sadness, longing, ache, missing , love, and love and yet more love. you relive all of it as you slice through. all of it. what worked and what didn’t. how you got to where you are.
when you have surgery, there should not be any pain and the instruments should be sharp, someone else should perform the procedure and you should be unconscious. but when you are severing a relationship, sharp instruments should be used but not too swiftly or impulsively. but, I believe you should be wide awake and feel every step of the process. yes, everyone’s process will be different, but you must honor your own time line. frequently it is one step forward, two steps back and then the pattern will eventually change.
“pain demands to be felt.” –agustus waters- it demands to be felt. no matter how many times it comes up. in each of it’s permutated versions, it demands to be felt. yes, people have different time lines with that. all you can do is honor your own process.
then you keep thinking, “jesus, surely I should be done now, right? get OVER this! but your heart will have none of that. no matter how rationally you know, how on paper it makes no sense: different places in time, different priorities, separate paths, blah, blah, blah…it still breaks you, because your skin and your heart know differently. your skin knows that when you are next to each other time stops, the utter perfection of how you fit together, how you smell together, the deep knowing in each others eyes, this is the happiest most perfect place on earth and nothing else really matters at all. not at all. this is true, so how can it possibly be that this love cannot be or has gone awry and yet, it cannot. and there is deep truth in that, and these two irreconcilable truths stand side by side. and eventually, eventually, there will be peace.
in a favorite book of mine, which I shall not say the title as I do not want to toss out a spoiler alert…a character dies and that character’s girlfriend talks about how the only person she wants to grieve with and talk about the experience of his death with, and be comforted and held by, is, him. no one else will do. I get that completely. and when we break up with someone it is a kind of death.
david whyte says, ”one of the difficulties in leaving a relationship is leaving the dreams that were shared together. you know somehow that no matter who you meet in your life in the future, or what species of happiness you will have with them, you will never, ever share those particular dreams again with that particular tonality and coloration. so there is a lovely and powerful grief there that is the ultimate in giving away to make space for another form of re-imagination.
i mourn the loss of the beauty of that particular coloration. those unfulfilled dreams.
so I am almost through the last bit of gristle. I think… depends on the day. but, I do know, that even when the severing is complete, and it begins to heal and cauterize, and the friendship is strong and stable and your body doesn’t hurt when you are in the same room together, there will be a loving remembrance and honoring of what was. if that love was true and deep and real, there will always be a phantom limb that will ache from time to time, a place you will reach for that is no longer there outside of you, but always carried within you. they will always be with you. a muscle memory of the heart.
(that's me) in the corner 
Wow Jodeen so powerful and rings so true for me too. People tend to think its so odd that I have close friendships with my ex’s. so I started thinking it was odd too. But like you said, I think they’re amazing people! Whatever the reason is for not being together doesn’t erase that. The phantom limb though…that can be hard to bear.
I love you.
Beautifully articulated… as always.
Thanks for opening this one up. Very accurate. 🙂
i’ve witnessed you walking through this forest of a death incomprehensible to your heart. I’ve seen you bear the scalpel, fall under the crush of grief, lift yourself up and continue the steady pace. i’ve heard you wish for something so different. And let’s face it, who would ask for this cup? Yet here you are, fully drinking. With the uncompromising courage to honor who your heart is in each step.
you didn’t preserve yourself in this epic love affair. you gave from your inmost parts to your very tips. nothing less. and now, to honor that sacred loving, you walk and stumble and plummet and ascend and scratch and bleed and sprout, soar, plod your way through the undergrowth of sorrow.
there are many pools to find relief in this forest. you could reach for a thousand and nine diversions. you could stagnate on the fringes of it your whole life. yet, even when you are blind with ache, you stay determined to do one thing, if nothing else: The truth in your heart leads your steps. you have loved greatly and there is no quick way out of that. there are no shortcuts, quick fixes, easy outs, magic tricks. in this way the path of grief is much like the path of love. both demand a fully engaged heart. very few risk so much.
I’m so happy you live like that.
such a privilege to know you, sister.
you are rare and fine.
My beautiful, beautiful eloquent friend. Your words made me cry this morning. Yes, you have been on this journey with me. Every step of the way. Bless you, bless you, bless you!
How are you girl? I read your blog about your dad yesterday….that is so tough. I have done that with my grandmother, but a parent….that is something else entirely. And you have done this once before… Oh my dear girl. I feel helpless to say anything, and as we are apart, don’t know what to do. Please just know I will do anything I can that you need. I can be there quickly if you need me. I am always a text or phone call away.
I love you my friend. So glad to share this embodiment with you.
Talk soon,
jodeen
Thank you ladies all so much.
Carolyn…you made me weep this morning with your words. Yes, we have walked this road together and it is not for the faint of heart. You are a brave beautiful woman and I am so grateful to have you in my life. love you so much my sister and dear, dear friend.
We aren’t apart. I call upon you more than you know. There is immense love and pain here. i also stumble, plummet, ascend, scratch, bleed, sprout, soar and plod. Please know I feel the constancy of your support. Sister love is my anchor. Much, much
Love.
I stumbled upon this blog, by accident but maybe not. I can relate to these words with all my self. Especially with the girlfriend in the book. This is wonderful writing here. Do keep going. 🙂
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad you resonated with it. Thanks for checking out my blog.