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the moon yesterday morning

i woke to the sound of gentle rain this morning and I purred and smiled. of course it would rain on my birthday . rain is my favorite weather. not as a steady diet, but it fuels me in a very particular way. contemplative, peaceful, thoughtful, cozy, cleansing and deeply sensual. rain is far sexier than sunshine any day and I consider it my weather.

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due to this sexy rain, no outside fire this morning, but I built one in my woodstove and lit all of the candles, made coffee and smiled at the endless text birthday messages that began to chime in starting at 7 this morning. I am surrounded with so much love, so many beautiful amazing friends, family and caring community. how I have been held this last year humbles me daily. the greatest birthday gift ever.

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something has shifted in me the last couple of days. one of those rare moments where the clouds lift and you can see exactly where you are, how you got there and how utterly perfect every piece has been and that a new chapter, a markedly new chapter, is about to begin and that that is so very much alright. I feel light headed with anticipation of what is next.

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a couple of weeks ago, a friend gave me a resurrection fern, something I had never heard of before. they are an air plant that needs a host plant to anchor to and have the ability to lose up to 97 percent of their water content and still live. by contrast most plants cannot lose more than 10 percent of their water content or they die. when they are in that state they curl up into a dry grey ball and looks like a dead chunk of juniper. upon putting them back in water they unfurl and become green again in less than 24 hours. they have been know to go without water for up to 100 years and not completely die. although they need a host tree, they do not take any water or nutrients from their host. they especially favor oak trees.

you just put them in a bowl of water and they begin to unfurl almost immediately. it is amazing.

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this plant rings with me on so many levels, metaphor for my life of the last year. the fact that the body can live thru the annihilation, that is chemo is pretty remarkable. fingernails and toe nails, yellow ridged, falling out, skin dry and lined, losing all of your hair, cells dying, entire system slowing to a crawl and then rebooting and then dying again and again, until finally, there is no follow up assault and you can stretch toward the light. replenish your system. copious amounts of water, nutritious food, supplements, fish oil, olive oil, exercise, dry brushing the skin. and miraculously, you come back. your skin plumps up, muscle tone comes back, steroid bloat dissolves, strength returns, hair and nails grow. a brand new crop of YOU. 

the rain on this day. drinking it in and feeling myself unfurl. a fresh start. a new season. 

as I was looking up some information on the resurrection fern this morning, a song by iron and wine popped up, called “resurrection fern”.  I love iron and wine and have never really paid attention to their song titles and honestly miss a lot of their lyrics. their music is something you feel. a melancholy sound you drink in, that you just understand, no lyrics needed really. when I pulled this song up, I discovered that it is one of my favorites and I had never really heard the last line in the chorus. another part of my death and rebirth. I smiled. another perfect moment on my perfect birthday.

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“like stubborn boys with big green eyes, we’ll see everything.

and we’ll undress by the ashes of the fire,

our tender bellies wound around with baling wire,

all the more air underwater pearls,

than the oak tree and it’s resurrection fern.”  -iron and wine-

thank you for bringing me back to life. thank you for all of it. all of it. so very much love. and i am born again. 

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