Huge Tidal wave crashing onto the beach with man

Sunday. Day five after chemo.

First go round was felt right out of the gate at the time of infusion, which did not happen before. “Before”…..”that last time I did chemo….”

Maintained that steroidal frequency, the leaden stomach, the sharp olfactory twang of inhaling gasoline and the slightly metallic burn at the back of the throat that has a flavor to it. It tastes anxious.

Suspended in this for four days. Extra specific attention to breathing. Herceptin can damage your heart, so I imagine if I can breathe smoothly and efficiently it will protect the sac around my heart.

Sure, I can control this….

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Strapping into the roller coaster, the anticipation, you begin the slow climb face tilted towards the sky. At the top you level off, and meander in a gentle horizontal serpentine, making your way towards the edge before you are hurled over the cliff. They give you time to contemplate and acknowledge that you have absolutely no control over the ride. You know what’s coming. Not exactly, but a rough outline.

I spend three days in this lit up, heightened, anticipatory state, but instead of going over the edge, the cart is returned to the start of the ride and comes to a halt. Psyche! The safety bar raises, I can stretch my legs, but not leave the area.

We will be boarding again in three days.

Never has stretching ones legs felt so satisfying…and tinged with dread…

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