two years ago last Sunday I was told that I had breast cancer. one year ago today, I had a mastectomy. and now on this same day, my dear sweet friend Carolyn, who spend a week with me after my surgery, feeding and taking care of me, is having a service for her father who passed a week ago from cancer. and the wheel turns…
incredible how all of my stuff seems like life times ago. multiple life times ago, not just a calendar year.
have been reflecting on all of the change that has come for myself and those around me. it all feels fast forwarded and like it is picking up speed…keep wanting to say, “stop! can I just catch my breath for a minute? just WAIT please before anything else happens in my life…”
when I gave birth to my daughter it felt like that. the relentless, endless contractions. I was sure that if they would just stop and I could sleep for a couple of hours and then we could get back to it, and then I was sure that I would be able to give birth, no problem. but to quote a friend of mine, “be ready. like life. once it starts it doesn’t stop….”
a surgery. the ravages of chemo. healing. moving. reunited with a brother I had not seen in 15 years and feeling out that relationship as advanced adults. babies born to friends and new ones on the way. relationships I thought would always be there, shifting and drifting. some that had been periferal, being pulled to the forefront. climbing out of serious financial stress. losing clients I had depended on for a long time, other opportunities slowly manifesting. leaving a yoga studio I have been with since it’s doors opened and building my student base at 2 others. both of my parents with serious health issues I learned of within the same week. watching my parents get frail. watching my daughter move into her senior year in high school. college apps, financial aid paperwork, class schedules for the year. teaching thai massage trainings. exploring acro yoga with a dear friend who has been in town all summer. his third summer he has been here for. celebrating his birthday on the river. my daughter getting strep and having all 4 wisdom teeth out in less than 10 days. having most unexpected healing love appear in my life.
the full spectrum of living, ever in play. there is nothing unique about my experience. this is being played out everywhere on the globe by everyone. birth and death, grief and love, change and possibility. relationships ending and beginning. old ways of living and being, blown apart at the seams. hands forced to incite healthy change. second chances at a new life and sometimes just the inevitability that that life is ending and all you can do is make peace, give thanks and exit with as much grace as possible. nothing unique. it is a shared universal human experience. but by sharing, we all take a breath and say, “yes, I know that. I am not alone and we are all Alive.”
I love you my friend Carolyn and you are not alone and I am so very sorry for your loss. I am so sorry that I cannot be there with you right now. He was such a beautiful dear man. It was a treat to spend time with him. You two were so blessed to have each other. You will always feel him with you.
(that's me) in the corner 
An eventful year indeed! That always fascinates me about time. It moves so quickly, then when we look back, so much has happened it feels like we’ve lived multiple lifetimes. Thank you for sharing all of the twists and turns of your life! It makes us all feel less alone, more connected. Love you.
Thank you Sash. God knows that you know all about this…what a year you have had! And look at you now…Wishing you more joy and love and growth..
Two years ago, last Sunday… Some days we never forget, when a moment, a word, a diagnosis changes the trajectory of a life. Thanks for being so damn strong, through all of this aliveness.
Thank you for your encouraging words. How are you? How is your journey? Thank you for following my blog.
I dig your blog, the spirit you convey through your words. Ya got strength and fierce grace in you.
I am doing good. Been shaping my life so I can sustainably take on my life’s work. I’m forming the board of directors for the non-profit; they made me president. I’m beginning to see the possibilities if I share my story and my music and my anatomy geek self with a far wider audience. So, I’m learning to balance my outward professional life with the sensitive introvert that needs to rejuvenate in the quiet.
How’s your health?
Hamid : )
Glad that you are well. You seem to have great strength and fierce grace as well:) I understand that precarious balance of the outer yang and the inner yin. My health is great, although I feel internal shifts in the estrogen blocking drugs that I am on. Feel this odd cocktail of being simultaneously energized and strong and exhausted and vulnerable. Just holding it all. Thank you for sharing your energy with me. Blessings, Jodeen
This odd cocktail…. Energized and strong… Exhausted and vulnerable…. That’s a paradox of healing I can feel in my bones. Jodeen…. after twenty one years, feels like I’m just beginning to find that playful wrestle of yin yang. That’s a place where despair and joy tango. And, I reckon you’ll find it too.
Restful sleep helps gobs. : )
Enough sleep heals most anything I have found. Even a broken heart. Take care. Kiss your pups.
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S®4
Enough sleep sure does heal quite a bit! Pups kissed! Beauty of a day to ya, my friend!
Thank you for your words that commemorate a precious life. I felt you here. Much love, c
A tapestry of honesty…you are a mast-ress of the art of sowing things together into a beautiful whole. What is the female equivalent to master or is it a gender inclusive term? 🙂 I think of you often and honor where we are.
Thank you for your beautiful words. The stories just keep being told and playing out, don’t they…?
I love where we are as well. Blessings to you.