I could feel the storm coming all morning. that restlessness. the yellowing of the sky. I rode my bike to teach a yoga class and realized that all hell was going to break loose. 10 minutes into class, this incredible storm unleashed itself. torrential downpour, thunder, blinding cracks of lightening. windows rattling. this incredible release. I rode my bike slowly home in the ionized drunkenness in the air. I have been aware that it is lilac season and now travel with my clippers in my bag in case I find some errant low slung branch hanging over a fence or in an alley. free game I believe. I find such a spot and snip 4 branches to take home with me. they are heavy with the rain and their scent dizzying. I ache for lilacs.
I place them in a vase in my room by my altar. windows open to the fresh air. memories of spring showers with windows open, breathing in the sweetness of lilacs in bed in the morning. vases of them in the bedroom and the bushes right outside the window. a one month glut of lilacs and then… they are gone.
last night I go to a dance class and dance hard. more release. but not enough. no peace.
this morning I am up early. my fire outside, my first one in a few weeks. everything is so green. so impossibly green and fresh and new and yet, a melancholy. a sadness. a restlessness and the ever present fear. the fear always just below the surface of every moment in my day. it does not paralyze me, but it cannot be vanquished and it is always there. I am learning to live with it. I have no choice. I look for peace in each breath. every twentieth breath is peaceful. sometimes I am surprised and an extra one or two sneak their way in. I have never had to pay such close attention to my every breath, thought and action. it is exhausting, but if I do not, it will drown me. I am being held at gun point, demanding that I be present.
I am mostly really good. I feel strong and healthy. I look really good, my life is quite beautiful in reality, but there is no levity. I miss feeling joyously alive. full of love and laughter and seeing magic everywhere. I am acutely aware of my aliveness. I am so utterly grateful to be here, to feel so good physically, but there is a heaviness to it too right now. i have been in pure survival mode for almost the last two years, there has been no peace. i could really use some relief, but in the meantime i will look forward to that twentieth breath over and over and over again..