and so tomorrow brings me to the 5th and final concentric circle of my “petite inferno”…
“mid way on my life’s journey I found myself in dark woods, the right road lost. to tell about those woods is hard, so tangled and rough and savage, that to think about it now I feel the old fear stirring.” oh, that dante….how did he know?
so here I am, feeling strong and healthy and rebounded from the nightmare head case I was just 10 days ago. each round, slams you so hard, and then by the time you are ready to go again, you remember how messed up you were, but you can’t quite recount the details. kind of like child birth. you remember the “idea” of the pain, but can’t actually conjure it up.
so I step into tomorrow knowing I am in for a hell of a week, but then I start swimming to the surface again and keep swimming for shore. I am ready to be on dry land.
here is a picture of my fingernails in all of their chemo glory. it feels as if someone took a hammer and smashed each one of them. they are actually sore to the touch. yellow, ridged, dying. sometimes, I hear they fall out, but they do indeed grow back. brand new growth. up close, there is almost the look of tree rings to them. marking this passage of time.
I spoke to a dear girlfriend of mine tonight who is in labor. ready to birth a baby girl. her first child. I think of tomorrow morning as I go in for the last go round of killing off my cells from the inside, that there will be a brand new being greeting the day. then as I push thru this last round, I too will be a brand new being. fresh and ready to greet a new day. a new life.