and so I take a deep breath and exhale 2012…

actually, it is a bit more like dry heaving a giant nasty hairball than an exhalation. trying to wash my hands of the last of the year, but there are parts that stick to my skin like wet ash, and the more I try and be rid of it, I only succeed in smearing myself with a thick black paste. an even more indelible reminder. how ironic that lost love can feel more insurmountable than a cancer diagnosis.

I am spending this new year’s eve alone. having a conscious date with myself. preparing myself for the fresh new year ahead of me. I have one more chemo treatment. one! it was supposed to be two, but my doctor said, “I think one more is good.” I agreed whole heartedly. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, and a vast open expanse in front of me to explore, to live. MY LIFE. MINE.

I have spent the day cleaning my pantry, my house. throwing things away. bagging things up to be donated. bottles to be recycled. got a new date book and spent yesterday transferring all of the birthdays written in my old one into the new one. so in going thru the old one, I got to relive the last year. the plans, the occasions, the celebrations, the anniversaries, the trips, the moon circles, the coloring and singing gatherings, the “discovery”, the dr.’s appointments, mri’s, pet ct scans, the results, the surgery, people moving in and out, my trip to the coast, the chemo treatments, birthdays and Christmas. I got to see all of it. again. to revisit the joy, the incredible love, the sorrow, the anger, the grief, the fear, feeling so incredibly shitty, the heart ache, the out pouring of love from my friends, family and community, the exhaustion, the quiet luminous times of clarity and the emotional breakdowns…I think that about covers it… I am so desperately ready to move forward. to let go and move on.

so tonight, I want to show up for myself completely. i adore me. I have not told me nearly enough how amazing I am.  i went for a long walk in the cold, snowy twilight. crystal clear sky. Christmas lights everywhere. the frigid air freezing tears to my face, and then clearing my head.

I come home and the fire is roaring in the woodstove, cats crashed out on cushions in front of it. bellys full from their dinner. Christmas decorations came down yesterday. house smudged and cleared.

I make a special dinner for myself. shrimp as an appetizer with extra horseradisy cocktail sauce. rissoto with fresh peas and prosciutto. sautéed kale and shitake mushrooms. I am learning to make good healthy eating choices and to not be afraid of food any more.  I make my dinner full of love for myself. each bite is to nourish my body and my heart. to make me strong and healthy in all ways. I eat in front of the fire. the house is still. no music, no movies. just me and my breath.

I stopped to take time to write this and then I am going upstairs to soak in a bath with magic bath salts that a good friend made for me. I am going to light many candles and watch the moon thru the window. then I will redo my altar, set my intentions for this coming year and climb into my bed with myself. and give deep thanks for everything. give thanks for all of the love i have had in my life, when some people never have anything close to it.  and then i will dream. i will dream of continued glowing health, a peaceful heart, reconnecting with my thai massage and yoga clients who have been so patient with me thru this process, growing hair for my birthday, treasuring my daughter’s last year at home before she leaves for college and then I will pray. i pray for the ability to let one love transform and shift so that there is space for something new.

 I am ready for all of these things and wonder what will happen next…