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“hey,do you want a free goddess statue?”

not a phrase that one hears very often. the timing of it sort of stunned me. i had just come back from dropping a friend of mine off at the airport. a wildly fun, and magically witchy friend of mine from san francisco. she had come up for the weekend to offer a clearing and claiming ritual for my home. my husband and i had just split, i was in the house with my daughter and feeling the need to shift the energy and make it feel like it was more my space now. i had invited 5 women who were the kind of friends i thought would weave into this kind of energy. be open to this. 

I was in the parking lot of our neighborhood co-op. the woman who ran the plant, flower and outdoor department was addressing me. in her arms, was an unknown goddess, grecian sandals peeking out from below her wrapping of plain brown paper and twine. 

“i can’t sell her. somebody snapped her head off. if you want her i will put it in your car for you.” she hands me a small, round paper wrapped bundle the size of a tennis ball.  her head, presumably.

“of course, “ i say. “absolutely.

it had been a very potent and powerful evening. my marriage had ended with much sadness and confusion. “how did we get here, when we were so sure we had been paying attention?” but nothing  really ugly, no hatred. i was not seeking to banish what had been, but to honor it and then reclaim this space as my daughter’s and mine. to reclaim myself again, as i had long ago disappeared. the evening was  a joyous bonding with these beautiful women. a bond formed that would stretch forward almost 5 years. they are my chosen family and i rely on them and draw strength from them every day.

we load the unknown goddess into my car and i make my way home. i carry her up the stairs to my front door and unwrap her, wondering who is waiting under the plain brown paper. she is lovely. grecian, strong yet undeniably feminine. curvaceous body, flowing gown. athena. athena,  after a shower, a glass of wine and a change of wardrobe, unwinding from a hard day as a warrior/hunter.  then i unwrap the small morsel of her head. hair piled up on her head, soft eyes. gentle mouth. peaceful, not coy or demure. she is not playing at anything. straight up. honest and clear.

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i take the head and find that it fits perfectly on the neck. perfectly. just a hair line crack. i use super glue to afix my super heroines head in place.  her gaze dropped to look over her right shoulder and breast. i find a ribbon to wrap jauntily around her neck and she becomes my guardian to the portal of my home.  she makes me smile each and every time i enter the house.

later, i sell this house and buy another. she graces the entry to this cottage as well. there has been/ is no, man in my life. only my daughter, my cats, my friends, my moon tribe. i am a strong self contained woman. it is the most peaceful, strong and sexy i have ever felt in my life. just me. this house of female power. i believe i will be just like this forever. the world’s sexiest nun.

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then i meet a man. a precious beautiful man. who touches my heart so deeply. awakens me from my self emposed exile. my life explodes.  i drown in this mythical love. no edges. no boundries. no separation. it is a love that seems to have a timer on it for us, and the clock ticks loudly and relentlessly day and night. but there is no choice but to love NOW. none. no matter what. i am stunned at how easily i am lost again. my beautiful self no where in sight.

a new goddess had graced the front entrance of the home we share. quan yin. goddess of compassion, “the one who hears the cries of the world”. the one who chose to return to earth, instead of enter heaven, wanting to alleviate all of the suffering on earth before she would move on. taking care of everyone else on the planet…”

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the day he moves out. i am pulling weeds outside and watering plants, reclaiming. again.  i use the back side door, the one i never use. my goddess statue sits at the back door. covered in dirt and cobwebs. the ribbon around her throat faded and tattered. i lovingly pick her up and move her to the deck. i  wash her gently. remove the ribbon and see the hairline fracture around her neck. i had forgotten that was why the ribbon was there. to cover this line. the evidence of her decapitation. her throat chakra, “speaking her truth. finding her voice” cut cleanly thru. leaving her scarred. i find a new vibrant purple ribbon for her throat. a color of power. my grandmother’s favorite color. a woman who never used her voice or spoke up for herself until making her decisions about her cancer treatment, after my grandfather was gone. before she passed she saw purple everywhere.

i take my goddess upstaris and place her at the entrance of  my bedroom. her soft wise gaze looking down over her right shoulder and breast. i no longer have a right breast. i run a finger over her face and say, “ i am sorry i neglected you. i am sorry that i lost you and forgot where you were. i am sorry i seem to not know how to love and not lose you in the process, yet i can love no less firecely. i cannot hold back, give less, play games. no one has ever forced me in any way to give myself up, i just did it willingly, because i could not imagine that anyone would stay with me if i did not. so in giving myself up, i had nothing to give. in giving myself up and trying to merge so totally with someone else there is insane pressure on them. demanding that they love me as hard as i love them. they do not stand a chance to living up to that. i know in my heart that there is a way to be me in all of my strength and fullness and truth and, to love, holding nothing back. the very essence of  being in love is to get lost. to lose control. it is imparative. the trick is to not stay lost. i can be the fiercely independent warrior goddess and the compassionate nurturing mother figure. i do not need to choose one over the other. i can figure this out. i am committed to this and i will keep on loving and, i promise i will not leave you again. “ 

she smiles knowingly. and i feel safe again.

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