looking back before moving forward…


seems that this thanksgiving time is loaded with memories of all sorts.

through the lens of a child, wandering in and out of the kitchen, wondering why a turkey should take 24 hours to cook…covering all ten of your fingers with black olives to be snacked on at your leisure while you waited….waited….

wild games of tag with cousins you only ever saw once or twice a year. cheese wiz on celery sticks and kool aid… the kids table…sneaking glasses of wine as a teenager…not sneaking wine as a post high school graduate…reunions with friends back from college…the first thanksgiving with a boyfriend…the first as a married couple…exquisite gourmet dinners with your dearest friends in san francisco with just each other and no family…three more years of meeting together in oregon  when the primary couple from that crew moved there…the thanksgiving on the beach in mexico with over 50 other people…thanksgiving in the hills of thailand…the ones at diners in other cities…the first one moving back to your home town…hellish afternoons spent with the t.v. on all day…the first with your child and remembering the first solid food she ever ate, turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes and the look on her face… the one where the grocery stores were closed, key ingrediants were missing and canned goods substituted for fresh from jerry’s market, the only place open….the tense ones when separation was in the air…the sad ones when that separation was a fact of life….the awkward, yet sweet ones where you still all spent the holidays together, much to the confusion of friends and family…the first meal you ever cooked entirely by yourself…the first one with your love who just moved back to town on thanksgiving… the last one with your grandmother before she passed…the first one after cancer diagnosis… and now, the first one with just you, mid chemo, and your daughter and a friend. 

so much to be thankful for: ironically enough, my health, which is great. my body is strong, lean, my energy great in the spaces between the drip. my amazingly loving and supportive community: people who feed me, bake for me, chop wood for me, teach my classes for me, gift me with healing bodywork. my parents for helping me pay my living expenses and their love and support. so grateful for the strengthening of my relationships with both of my parents and my brother. challenge draws people together, so it is a gift. i love you guys!

so grateful for the strength i keep finding in me. even though i have been forced to deal with so much more than just the cancer in this last year, i am finding what i want and need in my life. my life is too precious to settle for anything less.

so utterly grateful for my daughter and her beautiful strength and tender giant heart. 

so i am taking stock. remembering. cherishing. grieving and loving. seeing this massive pile of treasured memories i have in my heart and i turn my face towards my bright future and wonder what glorious blessings are already on their way to me. my heart is open and i am ready.