one week after chemo and, wow….
had no real reaction initially, it takes days for it to really make its self known, which seems so bizarre to me. that you could put something like that in your system and not be instantly wiped out, but, no it is sneaky…
i spent the first three days with that mildly hopped up pre-shroom energy. scalp tingly, skin extra lit up, a bit fluttery. lots of energy (due to the steroids they give you) at first, i am thinking, “i could feel like this for the next several months. i would enjoy feeling like this for the next while….”
but although the steroids give you a bit of energy, they caused me to cease sleeping immediately. i had not really slept for several weeks prior to chemo, so i was definitely feeling stretched rather thin as i moved into night after night wide awake, just feeling my aching body and hearing my fearful rampant mind shriek endlessly into the wee hours. they even prescribed sleeping pills. they did not work.
day 4 started to take me out and day 5 i was a nightmare of a mess. somehow i felt so compelled to teach my saturday class. missed my students, needed to connect, i needed my yoga. not my wisest move… so i went to class. could not really form coherent sentences. my skill with setting a tone for my class, visualization, metaphor…erased. i had no words and no connection to my body at all. led a very slow restorative class, but in the end felt that i had done everyone a massive disservice in my showing up at all.
spent the next 2 days feeling that someone had taken a sledgehammer to every bone in my body and that they were systematically, shattering me into pieces. never felt body pain like that. as if i had been punched as hard as humanly possible in the gut and not able to get a full deep breath. in fact, all of my healing tools, my yoga, breath work, meditation, all flew out the window. i could not get my chemo brain to be still long enough to even form the thought, “now, take a deep breath”. it was insanely scary. it scared me even more to think of people who have no support, no tools at all and are trying to figure out how to ride this.
i spent a good deal of the weekend wondering if i could even continue to do this. was it worth it? how the hell did people deal with this? why am i such a giant weiner?! was feeling like this was my new quality of life? no thank you please!
i had a dear friend, bring me yoga nidra cds, baked gluten/sugar free almond pear scones, made me a sandalwood essential oil blend, made lavender bath salts, to help me ground and taught me some new breath awareness exercises. what a blessing she was. i was able to start to access my tools again.
once i was able to take a breath again, and have a moment of clear mind, i sat and closed my eyes. feeling the drugs slowly push their way thru my system. consciously feeling everything slow down. acknowledging, that i had invited this in to my body. i was trying to let it do it’s work, and then finding every way i could to support my system in clearing it out. realizing that i have to take pain medication, something that makes me cringe in embarrasment. i am so opposed to the pharmaceutical gravy train, of “just take a drug! and it that causes side effects, why we’ll just give you another drug to deal with that and so on, and so on….”
but this is not like having a headache of a cramp, it is a new category all together, so for this short time period i will use it as needed, so that i can function. and use whatever i can that is natural and supportive to my system in the process to deal with side effects.
last night was better and today is good. met with my doctor. steroids will be adjusted next go round, (did i mention that i am SUPER sensitive to any sort of chemical in my body….?)
have accupuncture scheduled next week. getting some body work set up for me. getting a game plan and starting to cross the days off of my calendar. ride the treatment waves. finding this rhythm and then trusting the process.
i will not be fat,broken,ugly,bald,toxic and insane forever, or at least not for very long… i get to be reborn. literally, cellularly. time to consciously clean my inner landscape and see what else is ready to be transformed. i have things to do. love to give, breath to breathe.
deep breath and take one step forward.