who needs disneyland when you can have diagnostic cancer tests!

when i received my cancer diagnosis, i was unwilling to jump to surgery right away. to ease my surgeons mind, she wanted me to have an mri and pet/ct scan to make sure it was no where else, before i took that bit of reflective time. i agreed.

 the only story you ever hear about an mri, is the feeling of claustrophobia from being in the tube. as they were doing an mri of my breasts, i was face down instead. two laughably enormous openings in which to put my breasts. you could have fit 10 of me in each side. they give you ear plugs and the instructions to remain “absolutely still. do not move AT ALL.” then they scurry to the safety of another room, close the door and watch you from behind, what is probably bullet proof glass.

 the banging and vibrating is intense. my yoga skills come in handy. nice slow steady ocean breath. you go in rounds of 10-15 minutes, i believe. they speak to you between. “how are you doing? o.k., now don’t move. and here we go for another 10- 15 minutes. remember, don’t move.” at the end of each round there are sirens (or so they sound like), like warning of an air raid and to run for cover.  i actually managed an odd sort of relaxing shavasana and 45 minutes later i was done and they came to release me. no big deal.

 then, i stood up. i was nauseous. i was trembling and felt utterly NOT in my body at all. like i had been cellularly pulled apart and the pieces put back in all of the wrong places. i took a deep breath and stopped, clutching a door jam.

 the assistant said, “are you alright? it’s the claustrophobia isn’t it?”

 “no,” i said, “not at all.” and i proceeded to explain the sensation i was feeling.

 she looked at me like i was insane. “you can’t FEEL that. it’s not possible. i have been doing this for 20 years and no one has ever said they feel anything. “

 “well, i am here to tell you i CAN. it is a giant freakin’ magnet that pulls you open so that the dye they inject into you can circulate around. it’s a g-i-a-n-t  m-a-g-n-e-t. how could you NOT feel that?!”

 she looked at me with patient condescention, the way some people look at a child who has told some outrageous story, swearing it is true. “ok. dear. whatever you say.”

 i was then led down the hall to a room with a huge nuclear symbol on the door and a warning sign telling “DANGER: RADIOACTIVE  KEEP OUT.” i was to enter this room and have an xray done. i stepped into the room and turned right around and walked out. i went to the technician and proclaimed that i would not be having an xray done that day. he said i could do whatever i waneted, but i would need to have one before i had surgery. i said that was fine.

 seriously, on an intuitive level: i have cancer. you have just magnetized me beyond belief. body under trauma and invasion and now in this state you want to subject me to yet more radioactivity? right now? really?

 mri, came back fine other than confirming the cancer in my right breast. i was still shying away from surgery, feeling that they were wanting to cut me open too soon and i was terrified of doing a pet/ct scan. as i was sharing my fear with an amazing healer, she looked at me with big calm eyes and steady voice and said, “if you were hiking in the woods and suddently felt something on your back and discovered you had a tick on you, you would remove it right.?” o.k, point made…

 “and think about when astronauts go into outer space, it messes up their gravity, they are disoriented, the way they move and operate is deeply effected. when they come back to earth, they spend time reaclimating, before they are back to “normal”.

“think of this test as a trip to your vast inner universe, looking for information to aid you in your healing process. when the trip is complete, there will be a time of re-acclimating. you surround yourself with your reiki tribe. energetically ground your body, and then you will be back to “normal”.

 and so, i was armed with a new perspective and i was ready for my pet/ct scan… ready to boldy go where i had never gone before… 


to be continued…